The Art of Shipping
by Riya3
Summary: '"I don't know," Sasuke told him. "I just sit here hating the world and the fangirls flock to me."' In which this writer takes shipping to a whole new level (by attempting to write every Naruto ship ever). Complete and utter parody.
1. NaruHina,KakaIru,ShikaTema,KakaSaku

**The Art of Shipping – **_**In which a rather GEN author tries her hand at writing various pairings. First chapter: NaruHina, HinaNaru, ShikaIno, ShikaTema, KakaIru, KakaSaku. Yes, this is complete and utter parody.**_

* * *

**Behold, Riya's version of ...**

**... NaruHina**

Naruto walked to the training grounds scratching his head.

"Oh, welcome," Sakura greeted him. "You're five hours late. You beat Kakashi-sensei in lateness. But that's fine, because it's not like we have anything to do. Or any missions to go on." Her eye twitched.

"I had to take Hinata to the infirmary," he explained, a blank look still stuck on his face. "I don't get it, why is she always fainting around me? Am I doing something wrong?"

"Not at all," Kakashi told him, calmly turning a page in his book. "That's just what some girls do when they want what's in your pants."

Sakura rubbed her face in her hands and narrowly resisted aiming a punch at her sensei, if only because he might actually take it head-on to prevent his precious book from being scuffed.

Naruto tilted his head to one side. After a long silence, he dug his hands into his pockets and brought them out, staring at the assorted collection of stuff he'd discovered. "Hmm, I've got ramen tokens, some string, and this old sock that I still have to wash." He looked up, "which of these does she want?"

Kakashi's book dropped to the ground. Sakura banged her head against the tree she leaned on.

"I bet it's the ramen tokens," their idiot teammate went on thoughtfully. "They're limited-edition."

.

**... HinaNaru**

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Naruto turned around, hands clasped loosely behind his head. "Hinata-chan! Why did you ask me to meet you here?" They stood in training ground eight, under the shade of a maple tree.

"B-Because this seemed like a good place to t-tell you," she tapped her fingers to together. "You see, I a-asked Neji-nii san and he said that if there's something I want, I should just t-take it."

He grinned, and gave her a thumbs up, "that's great advice!"

"So t-that's why you're going to be my l-lover." She stared ahead determinedly.

He blinked. "Lover?"

Hinata nodded sharply. "We're g-going to go on d-dates-"

"Wait wait wait-"

"-and d-do ecchi stuff-"

"Oi, isn't this a little fast?"

"-and right now, I made us a r-reservation at my favorite sushi bar. Because I t-tried to like ramen but it d-didn't work. So w-we're going to g-go eat sushi together."

He scratched his head. "But we aren't dating yet-"

"W-we are now!"

"But-"

"You h-have no say in this, N-Naruto-kun!"

.

**... KakaIru**

It was on a rather bright day that Umino Iruka dismissed his class of terrors with a great sigh of relief. He watched as the brats – the bright young potential of the shinobi world – filtered out of the classroom, leaving him thankfully alone. The undiluted silence was blissful.

That was when he noticed that there was a presence at the window. Iruka was unusually perceptive for a chunin – it came with being Konoha's residential paperwork ninja – and quickly realized that this person wasn't exactly trying to hide himself, at least not very well. He spun around to see one Hatake Kakashi propped up lazily against the windowsill, book in one hand.

"Ah, Kakashi-san. I haven't seen you in a while," he smiled. "How have you been doing?"

There was a long pause before the man answered. "Reading."

Iruka winced. His former taichou's nefarious literary choices were well known among lesser shinobi. Most simply brushed it off as another piece of evidence supporting the theory that shinobi-strength was directly proportional to lunacy.

Despite his better judgment, he smiled politely, "I see. Anything other than Icha Icha Tactics?"

"Maa … yes, actually."

Iruka brightened.

"… Jiraiya-sama released a new book."

Iruka sighed. Well, it was only to be expected. He ran a hand though his hair, "well, what is it this time? More about Jio's adventures with nurses?"

Kakashi wordlessly held up the cover of the book.

It read, _"Icha Icha Academy"_

"It's actually the best one in the series. I thought I would visit to see how you were doing-"

Iruka ran.

.

**... ShikaIno**

"Oi, Shikamaru, get off your lazy butt. We have to leave in ten minutes."

"Eh? Why ten?"

"Because everything closes at nine, baka!"

"Then we'll start in two hours."

"At eight-thirty?!"

"Exactly. You're a shinobi, you can run quickly."

"I like to shop at my own pace!"

"This is turning out to be troublesome. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer Chouji? I'd even go to the trouble of setting you up with him."

"I asked Chouji first and you purposely ruined our date!"

"…"

Ino sighed, and pulled at his arm. "In your actions, the fact that you went to the trouble to do that is as much of a declaration of eternal love as you're ever going to give. Get up, I need _at least _two hours_._"

"No. I'm _not _going to help you shop for clothes. I did not sign up for that. I really don't care what you wear as long as it's not too troublesome to take off."

.

**... KakaSaku**

On Sakura's eighteenth's birthday, her kind, considerate sensei had decided to give her a present that would help enlighten her mind and expand her horizons.

The still-wrapped copy of Icha Icha Paradise sat untouched on her desk.

But since he was no longer her sensei, and since Naruto and Sasuke were now joined at the hip in more ways than she liked to consider, he didn't let the topic drop. So during their team-seven training sessions (which involved Sasuke and Naruto engaging in epic battles while he and Sakura sat under a tree in a lull of light conversation) …

"For the last time, sensei, I'm not interested in reading those books," Sakura huffed.

He gave her a saddened look. "But I need someone to discuss plot theories with, and Gai won't go anywhere near it."

"Plot? _What _plot? It's all just smut!"

"There is an interesting plot interwoven into that 'smut', Sakura. And now that you're eighteen and they won't throw me in prison for it, it's time you recognized literary value."

"I'm not a closet-pervert like you, sensei," she shot back. Although, the ever-present claws of curiosity had already latched onto her.

"Maa, I recognized the budding pervert in you immediately. Remember that one day when we camped by the borders of Tsuchi for a mission with Naruto, and you made all those interesting noises in your sleep?"

She reddened and promptly threw a handful of grass in his face, "don't remember those things!"

"Try it. You only have to read the first issue. I'm quite certain that you'll like it. And then I can discuss my theory of why Jio and Miyu will never be together."

"Argh!"

When she returned to her apartment after training, the book looked back at her from the desk. Menacingly. Questioningly. Challengingly.

She read the damn thing.

_Next day afternoon, training ground seven, amid the sounds of Naruto and Sasuke's epic battle of quotidian:_

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"What is it, Sakura?"

She cleared her throat, before bringing out the book she'd been hiding behind her back. She opened to a dog-eared page. "Your theory is wrong. That 'red glint' that Jiraiya-sama writes of here is Jio's family heirloom ring, and Miyu has found it. Then according to the legend, she will become his wife. Katsue, however, will probably end up running off with her lover from Kaminari."

There was silence in the shade beneath the tree. Kakashi held the book between trembling fingers.

"Oh," Sakura stated. "I've kind of just ruined your life, haven't I, sensei?"

He nodded wordlessly.

She flipped hastily to a different page. "But on the bright side, he and Katsue have a bond! She's the first person to ever do … um … _this_," she jabbed her finger at the paragraph detailing the act, "with him. I mean, he has loads of smut scenes with Miyu, but they never do … whatever's happening here."

His shoulders relaxed infinitesimally, "maa, well they have that, at least. I should ask Jiraiya-sama about your theory. Maybe that red glint was actually referring to the necklace her previous lover gave her. It was red, wasn't it?"

"Purple," she winced.

"Ah."

There was silence once again. After a long while of lip-biting, Sakura turned towards him and held the book up. "Um, sensei?"

"Hm?"

She pointed to the same paragraph, "how exactly do you … um … do _this_ thing? Have you ever …?"

Kakashi blinked.

.

**... ShikaTema**

_Summit building on neutral land, five hundred kilometers west of Hi no Kuni. Meeting of the Five Kage:_

The five kage had gathered for the sole purpose of discussing new international treaty papers after the war, since the old ones were frankly quite outdated. What had they decided after three hours?

Nothing. Not a single thing. In fact, the Tsuchikage hadn't been able to get a single word in since the beginning.

Why?

Because the Kazekage and Hokage had their own issues to grace the meeting with.

"I will _not_," Gaara enunciated, "allow Temari to leave Suna. She is my sister and council member, and she is an integral part of Suna's continued operations."

"Well, that's too bad for you, kid," Tsunade seethed. She had one arm propped up against the table, and was returning her most potent glare. "Shikamaru is staying put."

The silence that graced the room was deadly. Finally, the Mizukage sighed and rubbed her face. "Just tell the two to break it off, Kazekage, Hokage. If they're going to cause this much trouble, then I think it's fair to sacrifice their relationship for the greater good."

Two sets of eyes were turned on to her with looks of stunning intensity.

"… On the other hand, true love is a great force that should never be tampered with. Please, continue wasting our time. We really have nothing better to do."

The sets of eyes returned to glaring at each other. In the other seat, the Raikage – who had little brain-matter to his name – was utterly confused and unable to read between such fine lines.

"There is no issue," Tsunade said slowly. The table cracked slightly under her hand, "Shikamaru and Temari will live in Hi no Kuni where they are supposed to. Shikamaru will retain his position as my head of Strategy, and Temari will be offered Jonin status."

"I _disagree, _Tsunade-sama, because that would include my _sister _not being on my council where she has always _wanted _to be."

"Well your proposal would allow my _head of Strategy _to be in a _troublesome _foreign country far away from his _inherited duties. _May I bring up that jonin position in Konoha is harder to achieve than the same position in Suna, Kazekage-sama?"

"I could add that since there are _less _jonin of Suna, we _value _them more, Hokage-sama."

The silence fell again.

"So lemme get this straight," the Raikage looked up for the first time. He pointed, "_Your _council member just proposed marriage to _your _head of strategy, and now you two are arguing over which country gets to keep both of them."

Four solemn nods.

"Well that's simple, send them both to us. That fan-wielder seems like an interesting addition to Kaminari's forces. And Rikudou knows we need more brains," A said matter-of-factly.

"I second that," Terumi Mei raised a hand. "Although we all know he's just trying to increase his military strength, at least he's open about it."

Tsunade did not agree. The desk cracked a little further, "you know, _Kazekage-sama,_ I think there are other ways to decide which of us has the honor of keeping these two."

Sand began to rise from the floor of the room, "I agree, _Hokage-sama._"

"Well, there we go," Mei crossed her arms. "They're going to fight. Didn't those two idiot jonin think about our trouble when they decided to get married?"

Five days later, a newly wedded shinobi couple was packing their things and moving to Tsuchi no Kuni.

* * *

**(If you wonder, Tsuchikage-sama snapped.)**

"Epilogues":

Kakashi gave Naruto the Talk. Because clearly not even travelling with Jiraiya could lower this admittedly loveable idiot's complete resilience to maturity.

Iruka went to file harassment charges. The female-receptionist told him he was lucky and kicked him out of the complaint office.

Ino starts wearing spandex. Very troublesome.

Sakura proceeds to have a completely unrequited relationship with her sensei and all the fanboys squeal like crazy.

Shikamaru and Temari settle permanently in Tsuchi. Gaara and Tsunade lick their wounds by themselves and try to maintain the remains of their dignity.

**(This is not to be taken seriously, especially if you ship something I might have teased.)**

**I'm also turning this into a challenge. Review with _any _pairing and I will write a snippet of it. Any. I'm serious. I shall challenge myself and my writing skills to tackle it, no matter how weird. I mean, as long as both sides are of the same species and don't have _too _much of an age difference, I'll try it. T****he exception to the age-difference thing is Madara, since he's kind of actually immortal. And kind of really hot. Cough. **Yes, the species-thing includes dogs. I've actually written a Pakkun/Akamaru fluff oneshot before. They're cute, ok? (^^)...

**(Riya takes shipping to a whole new level.)**


	2. KakaNaru,SasuSai,KakaGai

**Chaoter 2 - In which this procrastinating writer delves into some shounen-ai**

* * *

**... KakaGai**

"Sorry I'm late. I didn't sleep until four last night."

Sakura and Naruto both blinked. "That's … an almost _normal _excuse, sensei," his blond student told him in wide-eyed awe.

"Maa … it's get's difficult to keep thinking of creative ones, and sometimes I just tell the truth," he shrugged.

It was a good time as any to bring the issue out into the open. If Gai had his way, he would be yelling it from the rooftops. But it had already been a month and frankly, it was getting harder to keep it concealed. And who better to find out first than his cute students? Sure they were twelve, but it was quite obvious and Naruto and Sakura were both budding perverts, and Sasuke needed practice in making other types of facial expressions from his usual nonchalance.

"So," Sasuke began dryly. "Why were you up late? Were you on a mission?"

"No, I was with Gai."

Naruto's face scrunched up in confusion. "Bushy-brows-sensei was with you?"

"Yes."

"What were you and Gai-sensei doing, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked innocently.

He smiled under his mask, "you know how he always challenges me."

She nodded, "I know. You're losing by two points, aren't you sensei?" She was a smart kid, and she kept track of the little things that others tended to miss.

Kakashi shook his head, realizing with not a little glee that this was dangerously fun. "Not anymore. I won last night's challenge. Now I'm winning by three points."

"A five point challenge?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Aren't your challenges usually only for one or two? Last time you ran around the village and beat him in speed, you only got one."

He grinned, "this was a special challenge, and it deserved more points."

"What was the challenge?"

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair, "maa, we were seeing who would come first." There, that would do it. Now he could just watch their interesting reactions…

"Well duh, of course," Naruto said matter-of-factly. "All challenges are based on who comes first. What were you coming first _in? _A race? Another round of rock-paper-scissors? Gosh, your challenges are actually really boring, sensei."

Oh, right. They were twelve. Kakashi deflated. Boring? Was that what they thought he was? He was tempted to tell them _exactly _what he had come first _in, _but Sandaime-sama would probably have a word with him if he did that.

That was when he noticed that Sasuke's eye was twitching.

Oh. So the Uchiha wasn't as innocent as his teammates. This was interesting.

"Actually, in this challenge the winner was the person who came _second_," he replied airily, keeping one eye trained on his third student. "Gai came first by almost thirty seconds, actually. I won."

By this point, Sasuke was visibly reddening.

"Well, of course you won," Sakura stated. "You're a lot cooler than Gai-sensei, Kakashi-sensei. But you haven't really told us what the challenge was."

"Forget it," Sasuke muttered, averting his eyes. "Let's just start training."

"No!" Naruto exclaimed. "I wanna know what Kakashi-sensei beat Bushy-Brows-sensei in!"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi."

"What did you say?!"

"Naruto, stop fighting with Sasuke-kun!" Sakura yelled shrilly.

Kakashi stood by and watched his students glare. He waved a hand, "well, if you're not interested, I suppose I'll just assign you three some chakra exercises…"

"We're interested!" Naruto told him. He paused. "But it was probably just rock-paper-scissors."

"It wasn't. It was a more interesting challenge. Best six out of ten, actually. It took most of the night to complete."

Sasuke coughed into his hand. By this point, the redness was beginning to spread out over his cheeks.

"Stop evading it, sensei!" Sakura huffed. "Now that you got us interested, you _have _to tell us.

"Do you like chocolate, Sakura?" He asked. "You see, Gai keeps giving me boxes of it and I don't eat that many sweet things." That _had _to do it. "How about flowers?"

"That's so nice!" The girl erupted. "He's a really great friend of yours after all, even though he's so weird!"

He drooped. How did one explain these things to twelve-year-olds? Instead, he turned to Sasuke. "Sasuke, you know what my challenge was, right?"

Sasuke crossed his arms. "I'm not an idiot like those two, and I'm perfectly aware that you do sketchy things. My oka-san used to warn me about people like you."

"Oi! Teme, don't be mean to Kakashi-sensei! He could kick your ass any day!" Naruto leapt at him.

While the two of them somehow managed to have the most one-sided fight in recorded history, Sakura was slowly growing pink.

"Um … sensei. Does he mean that you and Gai-sensei are like … boyfriends?"

"No one above the age of twenty uses that word, Sakura," he deadpanned.

"But … it's true?" She said slowly. "You do … um … dating, and stuff?"

"Dating? What's dating?" Kakashi smiled, "we have two conditions. First, I'm not allowed to read Icha Icha around him. Second, if he even mentions the word 'Youth' in bed, we switch positions."

He watched as she ran out of the training grounds. Well, that was fun. Now it was time to see how well Gai was doing with his own team. His students were older, so it had to be more interesting …

_A few minutes away, training ground nine:_

"…and my Eternal Rival and I are having passionate nights of Eternally declared love, and no matter what he says, Kakashi's _is _shorter than mine! How much it grows does _not _count!"

In front of him, Tenten and Neji were hurriedly covering Lee's ears.

.

**... SasuSai**

"Sasuke-kun, I would like to build a bond between us like I've built with Sakura-san and Naruto."

Sitting in his apartment, Sasuke blinked. The boy who had slipped in through his window was now standing in his living room and smiling a weird, bland smile. Sasuke vaguely recognized him as 'Sai', the extra member of team seven who had been made to replace him while he had been gone during the war.

"What? Bond?"

"Indeed," the pale boy took a book out from his pocket and began to flip through it. "It says here that bonds are very important when you are trying to make friends."

"You … want me to be your friend," Sasuke tried, eyes narrowed in concentration. This boy was part of the anbu. This was clearly an infiltration trick.

"Yes, Sasuke-kun."

"Stop calling me that."

"Oh, right," Sai tapped his chin. "Friends usually refer to each other with pet names, don't they? I should make one for you." He paused. "But Sakura-san wasn't very happy with the one I made for her. She didn't like being called 'Ugly', although I thought it was very fitting. You see, I once read that you must tell girls the opposite of what you think. But it didn't seem to work on her."

Great. So team seven now had _two_ Sakura fanboys. Such an improvement. Clearly, his departure had lowered what little quality they had. Sasuke leaned back on the couch. "Get out of my apartment. I never invited you in."

"I invited myself … Beautiful."

There was silence in the apartment. Enough silence that the dripdripdrip of the faucet he had yet to fix was startlingly loud.

"What … did you call me?"

"Beautiful." Sai smiled, "Ino-san liked being called that, so I thought you would like it too."

"My name is just Sasuke. Now get out."

Sai shook his head. "We must bond."

"I don't want any stupid bonds. I have enough fangirls chasing me as it is," he retorted.

"I have noticed, Sasuke-kun," Sai nodded, and helped himself to a seat beside him. "How did you get all those kunoichi to see you so favorably?"

"I don't know. I just sit here hating the world and they flock to me."

"Sasuke-kun hates the world?" Sai wondered. "Well, maybe through our bond I can change that. You see, my book states that friends must help each other."

"Leave."

"But Sasuke-kun-"

"_Leave. _I have work to do."

Finally, Sai looked down with a slightly more dejected expression. He sighed and reached into his pocket, drawing out a folded piece of paper. He held this out to Sasuke. "Sasuke-kun, take this. Sakura-san told me to use it as a last resort whenever my interactions with other people do not work as I wish them to."

Purely out of curiosity, Sasuke took the little note and opened it. His eyes scanned over Sakura's painstakingly neat handwriting.

_If you are reading this note, then you are probably with my teammate Sai, and you might have done something to confuse him. Please note that Sai was once part of an emotional conditioning program that divulged him of all usable emotional capability, and act accordingly around him. _

_-Haruno Sakura, Konoha General Hospital_

_(PS: if he pisses you off enough, feel free to burn that book he carries around. I've been trying to get at it for months now.)_

Understanding dawned slowly. Sasuke looked up and handed back the note. "I see."

Sai nodded. "Does this mean bonding with you will be easier?"

But Sasuke was thinking of something else. Something so profound that he couldn't believe it could actually be possible. "Wait," he held up a hand. "Allow me to understand properly. _You,_" he pointed, "don't have much emotion at all."

Sai nodded again.

"…and you therefore don't come with _any _emotional baggage."

Nod.

"…and unlike the fangirls who suffocate me with their perfume, you'll actually act logically and do what I say. And you won't scream in excitement every five minutes."

Nod.

"…are you free tonight? What about every night?"

_Next day morning, training ground seven:_

Sakura eyed her former-anbu teammate skeptically. "Sai, there's something different about you. I can't exactly pin it down, but …" Maybe it had something to do with the glow of his face and the slight stiffness of his walk. It contrasted rather heavily with his usual grace.

Sai smiled. "I believe the term, Sakura, is 'I got laid'."

.

**... KakaNaru**

"Tou-chan, this is actually my first time visiting this memorial by myself. Sensei sometimes spends hours out here, but … I don't actually know what to say. Life as Hokage is fun and peaceful but also kind of dull, because I don't get to kick anyone's butt anymore. But on the bright side, my idiot teammate finally proposed to Sakura-chan, even though she told him that she'd not interested in helping him repopulate his clan. That's a pretty big step for him. On the subject of proposals and stuff, I _really _hope you weren't expecting an heir, or anything. I mean, you're not, right? I already passed down the rasengan to Konohamaru in exchange for him naming one of his future children after you or Kaa-chan. If he doesn't keep up his side of the deal I won't nominate him for Nanadaime. Because this is serious stuff. And I probably won't have an heir. Which is a good thing, because Sakura-chan says the world would be a better place if I didn't have kids to spoil. Because I'd totally be like Ero-Sennin and spoil them rotten! I bet kaa-chan wouldn't have spoiled me, though. The last thing she ever told me was to eat vegetables. Yuck. But ever since I told that to Kakashi-sensei, he's made a pact with Ayame-chan to secretly add vegetables into my ramen. Ew. It totally ruins the taste of the ramen. But anyway, what was I talked about. Oh, right, heirs …"

_Later that evening:_

"Minato-sensei, forgive me for not bringing flowers this time. The Yamanaka shop was closed. But I brought this nice leaf that Mr Ukki grew recently, and I hope you like it. More importantly, I hope you don't mind that I'm sleeping with your son."

* * *

**So this was incredibly fun to write. They're getting a little longer, though. Except KakaNaru, because I've already written a lot about them (^^). Do you prefer short snippets or longer ones?**

"Epilogues":

Kakashi and Gai proceed to announce their relationship to the village. No scratch that, _Gai _proceeds to do such announcements. Announcing to his students was really enough for this Copy-Nin. The village doesn't really pay much heed, because they're Gai and Kakashi. Gai and Kakashi are weird.

Sai rather likes the fact that Sasuke-kun is taking this 'bonding' thing to a whole new level. When asked, Sasuke prefers the term 'mutualism'.

Namikaze Minato is trying his level best to claw himself out of the Shinigami's stomach.

**Again, this is not to be taken too seriously. And many of you already know that I actually ship some of the pairings I make fun of in this fic :P**

**Anyway, this chapter was an overdose of shounen-ai (recommendations from 'The Goliath Beetle'). The next chapter will be completely shoujo-ai to make up for it (though I don't actually read shoujo-ai so the only common one I know of is InoSaku). The weirdest pairing request I've gotten so far is Itachi/Hana ('Lady Braus'), which actually isn't too weird (it shall go in chapter 4). Come on, use your imagination! I wish to be challenged!**

**This was the updated note on the previous chapter (earlier readers may not have seen this):**

I'm also turning this into a challenge. Review with _any _pairing and I will write a snippet of it. Any. I'm serious. I shall challenge myself and my writing skills to tackle it, no matter how weird it is. I mean, as long as both sides are of the same species and don't have _too _much of an age difference, I'll try it (but this fic will remain T-rated (-_-'')). The exception to the age-difference thing is Madara, since he's kind of actually immortal. And kind of really hot. Cough.

Yes, the species-thing includes dogs. I've actually written a Pakkun/Akamaru fluff oneshot before. They're cute, ok? (^^)...

**Review ^^**


	3. KushiMiko,TsuSaku,KushiKonan,AnkoOro

**Chapter 3 – In which shoujo-ai is breached, and this writer hides and apologizes for having absolutely no clue how to write it**

* * *

On the day of their genin promotion, Uzumaki Kushina found her best friend crying by the edge of the empty playground.

"Mikoto!" She ran up to the girl and helped her wipe her tears. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy that we graduated?"

The Uchiha girl hiccupped. "Yes, but … they just told me that I'm engaged!" She burst into another round of heavy sobs.

"What?! You're seven!"

"Well, not right now … I'll be married when I'm twenty. But … I'm engaged!" She buried her face in her hands.

Kushina frowned. As a member of a Great Clan, she had some knowledge of what political marriages were. But her Great Clan was almost completely gone, and Mito obaa-sama had waved her hand and told her that she could marry 'that blond pushover' if she wanted.

"Is it someone you don't like?" She asked.

"Not really" *hic* "But … I've never met him before!" Mikoto wailed. "I want to become a kunoichi, I don't want to be stuck learning calligraphy and painting inside a clan house!" She looked up mournfully at her friend, "if you ever want to run away, send me a note, ok Kushina? I'll pack really quickly, I promise."

Kushina rubbed calming circles on her back. Then, the idea hit her. Why not? If it could help her make her friend happy, then it was worth it, wasn't it? She leaned closer and spoke in a whisper. "It's ok, Mikoto-chan. You can marry me instead. Then you'll be under my custody instead of your parents'. We don't need to tell anyone until they actually make you get married. Then I can come rescue you."

Mikoto's eyes were wide and shining with tears, "but I though you wanted to marry that blond kid?"

She paused. "Well, he can be my mistress. He won't mind."

"Really? You'll marry _me_?"

"Yup! And after we get married we can go travelling, and eat at expensive sushi bars, and beat up rogue-nin together!" She grinned. "Oh, and maybe Minato can tag along," she added as an after note.

Mikoto smiled and wiped her face with her sleeve, "o-ok, Kushina. That sounds really fun."

_Two hours later, at the Konoha law office (which is _not _under the jurisdiction of the Uchiha police):_

An aged receptionist looked down curiously at the two adorable girls standing in front of the desk, holding hands. One was a dark-haired Uchiha girl with puffed red eyes that still glistened slightly, and the other was a proud little red-head who glared back as if she owned the village.

"Oba-san," the red-haired girl spoke. "We have a marriage to register." She pointed at the Uchiha girl, "we're getting married."

The receptionist smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Are you, now?"

The dark-haired girl nodded shyly. "Kushina-chan proposed to me."

"So we'll need to sign the registration papers," the red-head went on, holding out a demanding hand.

The receptionist almost felt her heart melting with the cuteness that plagued the room. "Ah, what the hell, you two are adorable. Sure kids, you can get married if you want."

_Thirteen years later_

At the front of the ceremonial room, Uchiha Mikoto knelt demurely. Her elaborate kimono swept out around her and its beautiful reds stood starkly from her dark hair, which was piled over her head with so many sharp pins that she was rather afraid for her husband's life later that night.

Before her was Uchiha Fugaku, the man that she still didn't know that well. But she was a twenty-year-old Uchiha clan member, and she'd long since understood her duties. Though maybe it would help if he weren't such a block of ice. She'd gone through as many interesting experiences as she could manage before this day, and he didn't seem too exciting. Fugu-fish-face.

But the ceremonial marriage was almost at a finish, and she would soon need to sigh and accompany him to his room and pretend to be the innocent thing she would have been if she hadn't met one Uzumaki Kushina.

Right then, while half the Uchiha clan was watching, the door to the building burst open.

"There exists an impediment to this marriage!"

Mikoto blinked. In the doorway stood Uzumaki Kushina herself, and her long hair streamed over her shoulder, an even more vibrant red than Mikoto's own ceremonial kimono. Behind her was her lover, who stood there panting, as if he'd ran across half the village while chasing her.

The Uchiha elder – Fugaku's mother – raised an eyebrow. "Who would you be?"

Kushina crossed her arms, "I'm Uzumaki Kushina, dattebane! And that's my wife you're trying to marry off!" The blond man was tugging at her sleeve but she didn't pay him any attention.

The hall grew silent. Mikoto vaguely recalled a time when they had decided to get married … was that actually valid? She raised her eyes to see that Fugaku looked incredibly peeved.

His future wife was being claimed, and he was _peeved?_ Just _peeved?_ His only reaction was a furrowed brow? With a sweep of her elaborate kimono, Mikoto stood.

"Fugaku-sama, Hakumi-sama, it is true. I am married already. You may check the official marriage registration records if you wish." With that, she walked down the aisle, stepping between the crowds of shocked clan members. They whispered as she passed, but she ignored them and allowed the smile to burst onto her face.

Kushina had remembered. She wasn't about to let this chance pass.

Her red-haired beauty grinned widely when she reached the entrance, and gripped her arm. Behind her, Minato looked terribly confused. They closed the door behind them, shutting out the shocked whispers along with Fugaku and his parents.

They made a rather strange sight walking through the clan grounds. One dressed in ceremonial red, and the other two wearing their standard-issue jonin uniforms. Minato was still slightly dazed and his blond hair was a complete mess, because Kushina had leapt through his window, pulled him right out of bed, and dragged him through half the village.

After a long silence, he was the first to speak. "Kushina … you're married?"

"Yup!" She grinned. "We got married when we were seven, just to prevent Mikoto from having to marry Fugu-face when she got older."

His heart melted slightly at her words, and he smiled down at her. Kushina was incredibly kind when she wanted to be. Then he paused midstep. "Wait … what about _us_?"

From her other side, Mikoto looked over with a sheepish expression, "I'm so sorry Minato-kun. But we were seven and Kushina just assumed …" She trailed.

"You can be my mistress," Kushina spoke up matter-of-factly.

"But we had plans to-"

She waved a hand in dismissal, "oh, don't worry about it Minato. When you become Hokage you can change a few laws. Feel free to propose anytime after that."

Minato simply gave her a watery smile and nodded. She was Uzumaki Kushina. He'd gotten used to things like this.

.

**... TsuSaku**

"Sakura-chan, you're walking a little stiffly today," Naruto remarked as they approached the training grounds. "I hope Tsunade baa-chan didn't tire you out in training too much yesterday."

Sakura merely smiled. "She did."

"Well I'll have to have a talk with her," he huffed. "I mean, why do you put up with that? Just tell her you're tired, or something."

"But I don't want to tell her I'm tired. She might stop."

"… if you're tired, don't you _want _her to stop?"

Sakura's smile grew wider. "Nope. She's a _really skilled_ shishou."

.

**... KonanKushi**

"You know," Kushina began, swinging her legs over the side of the bench. "I used to get made fun of because of my hair."

The blue-haired beauty sitting next to her nodded solemnly. Above them, her paper-umbrella shielded their colorful heads from the constant Ame downpour.

Kushina turned to look at her, "what about you, Konan?"

"No."

"I though so," Kushina mumbled. "You're too pretty to be made fun of, blue hair or no." she twirled a strand of red hair around one finger and examined it. "How do you think I would look with blue hair?"

"Disastrous."

.

**... ****OroAnko**** (Well, more like AnkoOro)**

"So you're really on Konoha's side now, huh? Ever since that Uchiha kid pulled you out of the seal you left on me?" Mitarashi Anko stood in the cave with her arms crossed, giving her former sensei an apprehensive look. "And they weren't kidding when they said they wouldn't have won the war without you?"

Beyond her, leaning against one of the stalactites, Orochimaru raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, Anko. There's no need for you to attack me. Somehow, I've been dragged into all of this."

She tilted her head to one side. "Well, that's fine, then. It's been over two decades, I can resist the temptation to kill you."

"Two decades?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yup. I'm almost thirty, actually," she made a face. "Gosh I'm getting old. But not as old as you now, huh sensei?"

Orochimaru grinned a grin that showed off slightly sharpened teeth. "Actually, there are benefits to the Fushi Tensei. It will be many years until I can call myself 'old', Anko."

She paused, and then pointed. "Wait, so you're _actually _physically thirty? That's not just a genjutsu?"

"Thirty, yes."

"And it's not one of those seals, like the one Tsunade-sama uses?"

"There are no drawbacks, this is my true form." He frowned. Where was this line of questioning going?

Anko's grin spread a little too far. "Oh, well that's nice. Experience and vitality."

Orochimaru did _not _take a step back because of the look in her eyes. He just felt like taking a step back. He was the snake sannin. He did what he pleased.

… but that look _was_ beginning to seem a little bit predatory.

"Let's play a game, sensei."

Now why was he remembering that silly crush the girl used to have on him when she was younger?

The air of foreboding in the cave hinted to the snake sannin that maybe he had taught her a little _too _well.

* * *

**You may ask, 'why are Kushina and Konan sitting on a bench under a paper umbrella in the middle of Amegakure?'. I have no idea. Let's just say I pulled a 'Waiting for Godot' on you all (if you get this reference, play stay in place while I profess my love for you). **

**I added AnkoOro because I ran out of ideas for what to write about shoujo-ai pairings...**

**And, um, only the KushiMiko one came out alright, because writing shoujo-ai is kind of hard. Not only am I straight, I don't know a single girl who swings that way (although I do know a few guys that do) and I can probably count the amount of yuri I've read on one hand. But ... was it decent humour/romance, for being written by a straight person?**

"Epilogues":

Minato and Mikoto develop a deep friendship by bonding over shogi games, paperwork, and the spitfire of a kunoichi that is their wife. Fugaku comes out of the closet.

Jiraiya informs Tsunade that she's just as perverted as he is, and it just took a while for him to notice.

Kushina spends a month lusting after blue-haired people cause that's not the type of beauty a girl can forget easily. Minato spends his life wondering about his lover's _actual _preferences.

Orochimaru spends the next ten years explaining to Tsunade that _no, _he is _not _a pedophile, and that they're the same age, dammit.

**And wow, I've gotten a lot of really interesting pairings from you guys. I got a suggestion to do an Itachi/x chapter, but I think I'll just spread them out instead :P. Weirdest suggesting so far: Katsuyu/Manda/Gamabunta love triangle. That ... is fascinating. However, I like to keep them in the same species :P**

**Next chapter (from reviews): Orochimaru/Tsunade, Sai/Yamato, Kakashi/Tsunade, Neji/Tenten, Ay/Tsunade (I find this pairing so epic. It's like the RivaMika of Naruto ships). **

**Review ^^!**


	4. ItaHana,FukuShima,SaiYama,KakaTsu,OroTsu

**Chapter 4 – This fic should probably be titled 'weird ways that this writer makes random characters have sex'**

* * *

**… ItaHana**

"We should probably go in," seven-year-old Sasuke told Kiba. He stood up from the playground, "my nii-san has probably arrived to pick me up. I have to be at home by dinnertime or oka-san will get mad."

"Aww…" Kiba pouted. "But you'll have to come over tomorrow so we can keep playing ninja, ok?

Sasuke nodded, "sure! I like playing ninja! My nii-san is the best ninja ever."

"Yeah well my sis is awesome. She can beat up anyone," Kiba proclaimed.

With that, the two boys wiped the playground sand off their clothes and made their way to the Inuzuka clan house, where Sasuke had left his book bag. He'd taken to playing with Kiba recently, because Kiba was a really fun friend and his dogs were really cool.

Once inside, they went to the main room, but the door was closed.

"Huh, maybe your brother already arrived," Kiba guessed.

That was when they heard soft mewing sounds filtering through the sliding doors.

Sasuke frowned, "maybe they're talking about cool ninja stuff." His eyes lit up. "Let see how long we can eavesdrop before nii-san catches us."

"Ok!" Kiba whispered. The two boys pressed their ears to the door. Voices came through.

_"You can touch the other one, 'tachi. You gotta give them both equal attention, you know."_

_"Oh, may I?"_

_"Yeah, of course. But don't tease, or the one down there will get impatient."_

_"I will try not to. But these are rather beautiful. Well-shaped."_

_A soft mewl echoed through the doors. _

_"Ah, 'tachi you're so good with them!"_

_"I leant by watching you, Hana."_

_"What? When?"_

_"Before I arrived, I saw you playing with them from the roof when I was looking for Sasuke. You are skilled in making them respond."_

_"Well of course, these are mine."_

On the other side of the door, Kiba's face was twisted into a strange expression. "Um … Sasuke, I don't think they're talking about ninja stuff."

Sasuke, who had yet to receive his Talk, was blinking in confusion. "But she said he was skilled at something."

"Not the thing you're thinking of …" He slowly backed away from the door. "Maybe we should go.

"Well, alright," Sasuke frowned and stood.

Unfortunately, his toe caught the end of the rug. Without further ado, he tumbled right into the door, dragging Kiba with him. They collapsed into a heap on the other side of the rather thin material.

Inside were Itachi and Hana, surrounded by a group of small puppies. Hana was holding one in either hand, and another was sitting on her leg, waving its tail excitedly. Itachi's was petting the one in her right hand, and the small dog leaned into his touch. They both turned around to see the heap of their little brothers.

"Oi, are you boys alright?" Hana frowned. "Did you run right into the door? What did I tell you about paying attention to your surroundings?"

Kiba sat up, and eyed the display in surprise. The leftover tinges of red fled from his face and he rubbed his head sheepishly. "Um … sorry, sis. But Sasuke has to go home for dinner. Right Sasuke?" He turned to glare at the Uchiha boy.

Sasuke nodded, "yup!'

"Actually, you can stay a while longer," Itachi informed him quietly. "Chichiue and Hahaue are at a clan meeting."

"Really? Awesome!" Sasuke's eyes lit up, and he tugged on Kiba's sleeve. "Come on, let's go play ninja again!"

The two older shinobi watched as the boys left in a patter of footsteps. Once the room was quiet again, Hana raised an eyebrow and allowed the puppies to step away. "So, an hour or two?"

"That should be sufficient. Their clan meetings take at least that long."

"Wanna put these dogs away and continue from last time?"

"I would like to, yes."

.

**… SaiYama**

"Pick any brush you like," Yamato said stiffly. "I'll … well … it's a present. For … um … surviving the mission."

Sai gave him a blank look before asking the art-store owner for the brush in the top cabinet that bit a large chunk out of his taichou's yearly pay. He hadn't really gotten to the chapter on 'courtesy' yet.

The next day after training, Naruto and Sakura left the two of them behind as they went to get lunch, and Sai frowned as he watched them leave.

"Yamato-taichou, why do Sakura-san and dickless always go off to lunch together? When I asked, they assured me repeatedly that they were not having sex," he asked bluntly.

Yamato cleared his throat. "Well … they're friends. If you like, we could go eat lunch. As friends."

Sai smiled his blank smile, and he wasn't sure why the other man was slowly turning pink. "That would be nice. But I have not yet received my pay." Anbu operatives weren't exactly rich. Most of the time, he lived on ration bars.

"That's alright," Yamato said quickly. "I'll pay."

_Weeks Later:_

It didn't take long for Naruto and Sakura to notice that the two new members of team seven were spending quite a lot of time together.

It took even less time for Sai to look up the term 'sugar daddy' in one of his books.

.

**...KakaTsu**

Kakashi stared down at the book in his hands with barely contained awe.

"…new book of Ero-Sennin's," Naruto was telling him. "You like these books, don't you sensei? I mean, they're really boring and all, but I'd thought it would make a good present."

"Sh, Naruto. I'm having a religious experience," he snapped, running his finger over his lustrous green cover.

"Anyway, I tried reading it, and the ecchi scenes as actually kind of interesting," the boy trailed.

Kakashi was too absorbed to be worried that his twelve-year-old student was reading his smut.

"And Ero-Sennin told me about his real-life inspirations-"

"What?" His head snapped up. "Jiraiya-sama told you who he based his characters on?!" Kakashi leaned closer, "who? Who is it?" Surely there could not exist someone as beautiful, as seductive, as (cough)kinky(cough) as Icha Icha's Miyu! It was probably some woman Jiraiya had met during his travels. Kakashi was fully prepared to appear in her bed that very night, mask-less if he had to. That always worked.

Naruto shrugged. "Um, Jio's main love interest 'Miyu' is actually based on Tsunade baa-chan. Weird, huh? I mean, I get the descriptions and all, but there's no way baa-chan would act like that. Anyway, I'll see you later, sensei. Have fun reading!" He leapt away, ignoring the fact that he had completely toppled Hatake Kakashi's existence.

_One week later, jonin meeting in the Hokage's tower:_

"…and you'll all be expected back by tomorrow. Any later and I'll send my anbu-" Tsunade paused. "Kakashi, is something wrong? Why are you crouched over?"

Kakashi groaned inwardly and slouched further, stepping behind a shelf. "Maa… I …" He jerked upright when Gai laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It is fine, Dear Rival, if you need to heed nature's call! We, your loyal friends, will wait until you are finished!" With that he pushed Kakashi out of the office.

"Huh?" Tsunade tilted her head to one side. She turned to the other three jonin. "You know, if any of you need to use the washroom during our meetings, you can just say so …"

_The next day:_

This was getting out of control.

Kakashi slowly put the book away. This was weird, just plain weird. She was probably old enough to be his mother, even if his conscious assured him that her twenty-year-old form was an actual physical change.

He _needed _to stop imagining Tsunade-sama in Miyu's position.

_That evening:_

"You're two hours late, Hatake," the Godaime Hokage grumbled. "Two hours."

"Sorry," Kakashi shrugged. "I got lost on the road of l-"

"Bah, who cares," she waved a hand dismissively. "You're probably wondering why I called you here so late at night."

"Well, kind of," he admitted. But not really. His mind was preoccupied by keeping the weird mental images away.

"Well," Tsunade said gruffly. "I was just wondering, …" a weird smile pulled at her lips. "exactly how much can I command you to do, in my status as Hokage?..."

Kakashi smiled under his mask and pulled Icha Icha Tactics out of his pocket.

.

**…SasuHina**

It was a well known fact that Uchiha Sasuke was a wanted man. For more than one reason. So when the war was over and he was no longer wanted for the _first _reason, he found himself heavily wanted for the _other _reason.

Essentially, the fangirls _drooled. _

"Sasuke," Kakashi told him one day, patting him on the shoulder. "I think it's time you learned a few things. You see, the other jonin have been passing some bets on either Sakura or that Karin girl you brought back-"

"And who did you put money on?" Sasuke asked dryly, shrugging off his hand.

Kakashi looked vaguely guilty. "Karin. I was hoping you'd leave Sakura to Naruto, he's been working very hard lately."

"… I'm not interested in either of them," the boy informed him. "When I turn eighteen, I'll make the decision of who to repopulate my clan with by myself."

His sensei's eyes lit up. "Maa, eighteen? That's in fifty-six days, isn't it?" He waved, "we'll all be waiting, Sasuke!"

Sasuke sighed. Great. He'd pinned himself with a _deadline,_ of all things.

_Fifty-six days later:_

It was suffice to say that the entire village fangirl-population was shocked when Uchiha Sasuke appeared before Hinata during her team training session and asked to speak with her. They gathered in hoards at the edge of the training grounds and watched breathlessly.

"Hinata," he said airily. "I just wanted to inform you that I'd be happy if I had to your help in repopulating my clan."

She had spent quite a lot of time learning how to _not _blush, but she could already feel the redness creeping up her face. The watching fangirls 'aww'ed despite the complete lack of even a speck of romance in his tone.

"Um … w-why me, S-Sasuke-kun?"

He took her hands in his and gave her a look of utter seriousness. "Can you imagine our children? We could have the Byaku-Sharingan in our grasp, Hinata!"

She went ahead and fainted.

.

**… FukaShima (Fukasaku/Shima)**

There were many things that Jiraiya disliked about training on Mount Myoboku.

He disliked the food. He disliked the soggy climate. He disliked the harsh mountains, and the smack of Fukusaku-jiji's stick on his back when he lost concentration.

But most of all, he disliked lying in his futon in the room he was given, hearing faint moaning sounds for a good part of the night and having the disturbing realization that there were two toads in the room next to his going at it like rabbits.

He pulled the blankets over his ears and figured that this was probably what people referred to when they talked about 'traumatizing childhoods'

.

**… OroTsu**

There were many things Jiraiya disliked about being on missions with his team.

He disliked the arguments that would inevitably flare up between them. He disliked the fact that their sensei was turning rather senile and always took Tsunade's side no matter what. He disliked Orochimaru's plans, and Hiruzen-sensei's snoring beside him when they'd starting sharing a tent because they could only bother to carry two.

But most of all, he disliked lying under his sheets at night, hearing faint moaning sounds from the other tent that his infuriating teammates shared, and having the disturbing realization that Orochimaru was _actually _interested in girls. More than interested.

He pulled the blankets over his ears and figured that this was also probably what people refered to when they talked about 'traumatizing childhoods'.

.

**… Fodder-Shinobi-96/Fodder-Shinobi-69**

…Ok, you can all look at the title of this ship and figure it out for yourselves. I'm keeping this T-rated.

* * *

**Ah, I'm getting so many good ships from you guys! I didn't even know half these ships existed! (Well, I don't usually read much romance apart from kakanaru, kakasaku, hashimada, itashi, kakayama, and kakagai. Yes, my taste should be glaringly obvious).**

"Epilogues":

Sasuke never really figures out why his brother mutters about 'puppies' in his sleep.

Sai decides that Yamato-taichou is the perfect person to test out some of the things he's learned in the books he borrowed in secret. Naruto and Sakura aren't really sure which one of them is being used.

Kakashi doesn't exactly have a choice on whether he gets to keep his mask on. That's what happens when one sleeps with a Sannin. On the bright side, he gets to try out lots of things.

Face it, FukuShima is really the only canon pairing where both sides are alive and willing. Therefore, they have their happily-ever-after and poor, traumatized Jiraiya starts to rethink his stance towards the opposite gender.

Traumatized, I tell you.

The fodder shinobi have less screen-time and more fun-time ;D.

**I did say I was going to do NejiTen and AyTsu but I couldn't fit them in this chapter so ... next time!**

**Your pairing suggestions that I'm laughing over (I love you guys...):**

**Naruto/Madara, Sasuke/Tobirama (oh wow this will be a challenge. *Rolls up sleeves* time to Edo Tensei this shit!), Jiraiya/Konan (with a confused Nagato. Challenge accepted, Marina-Elise!), Minato/Obito (Hmm, this one might be a little one-sided XD), ****Hinata/Karin (this would be hilarious, but sorry Duesal10, I've exhausted my sparsity of shoujo-ai ideas. Try writing shonen-ai and see for yourself how difficult it is!), **Gai/Hinata (I have the _perfect _idea for this...), Kisame/Mei (ok, wow), SaiKarin (Sai seems to always suffer in my fics...), Karin/Kabuto (because apparently 'nobody likes them'. But...But I've had a soft spot for Kabuto since I watched his sob story episode!), Kakuzu/Chiyo from Hidan's perspective (omigosh. I will do this!), Kurama/Inner-Sakura (this is pure genius). 

**Oh, and just to point out, I'm not doing any gender-bending. So sorry, but no fem!Naruto :P**

**Anyway, this will be updated rather sporadically since it's not an actual chapter-style story. I'll add some more in whenever I find the need to procrastinate, so read on!**

**And review ^^!**


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